The Painful Goodbye
by futureprez40
Summary: Nikita's thoughts at the end of 2x08 "London Calling"
1. Being Strong

Walking away, Nikita finally couldn't hold it in anymore. She let the pain, the jealousy, the part of her who had been unsure the past few days seep through from her carefully built up walls, allowing them to flow freely in the form of tears. They continued to fall as she turned her head back to glance at the man she was leaving behind one last time.

Although she had just walked away from Michael, with a feeling of strength, strength to continue on her quest alone; a part of her felt missing. The part that was most important, her heart, which she knew was still there with Michael. And she hoped nothing more than for him to come running after her and take her into his arms and return it. She hated to admit it, but a part of her felt betrayed. To see the person you love, care about another woman more than you, can hurt. The way he had reacted when he believed that Cassandra had fallen off the cliff. His anger, frustration, his immediate reaction to go and shoot the men who had pushed the car down the cliff, the tears she swears she saw when he believed that Cassandra was dead. The night before when after hugging her for a brief moment, he saw Cassandra wounded by the bullet that Nigel had put through her arm, ran over and immediately pulled her close so as to support her. All the memories from Belarus as well, the occasional hugs they exchanged, the pain in his eyes when he believed he had lost the woman and child in the car bomb. They all haunted her now as she continued to put distance between the one person she needed most.

But she understood where he was coming from, and that was what had helped her make the decision, the decision to be the stronger person and walk away, allowing the one person who means the world to you to make the right decision even if it'll affect you for the rest of your life. It kept her on her track now, to walk away and keep walking, although with every step she felt more and more lost. She had seen him holding Max, who just like Michael didn't want to let go. He promised to return soon, and the look in his eyes proved just how painful it was for him to leave behind his son, who still had no idea who his real father was. But even though Max had no idea, he shared a strong bond with Michael and Nikita didn't want to be the one to break it, to ruin it. She knew what it was like to grow up and not know the truth.

Max grew up believing that his father was a figure of authority and had died only a few weeks ago, but there would come a day when Cassandra would come clean and allow him to know the truth. But even then the child was bound to wonder about his father, wonder if he ever cared, if his visits were just a façade, or wonder if love even exists. All these feelings made up Nikita's child hood and she didn't want the little five year old to ever feel the same way. She didn't want him wondering whether the world was just full of liars who didn't care about anyone.

As for Michael, she loves him too much, to let him suffer this way, to make him choose between her and his son, when the choice is beyond obvious. She is - or was.. now that she had left- a complication, in the way of what was right. Yes, she'll always hold on to the happy memories when Michael had been at her side, but she had to let the future she had always seen with him go. She didn't want him to feel obligated to stay with her, because they were in love. He had a choice to make and Nikita knew that he would have trouble deciding as long as she was there.

So as they had walked along, through the busy streets of London, she had decided to help make the decision ten times easier.

_**FLASHBACK.**_

_She was going to tell him things he needed to hear, ask him rhetorical questions, and try her best to sound strong throughout; she knows that the tears that were building up behind her eyes aren't going to help the situation. She stopped and when Michael turned back around questioningly she knew it was time to let it all out. It was either now or never, she took a deep breath, her last real breath before what would be the fatal goodbye._

**A/N: Well what a great episode tonight! I have to say the ending was just perfect too, no sarcasm at all. It shows how much Nikita really cares about Michael, that she's willing to give him up so that he can be happy. Hope everyone had a great 11.11.11. Here's a little treat. ;)**


	2. Nothing but Hopes

**A/N: sorry guys I was re reading when I woke up today and well there were a few errors here and there so I fixed it and added in little things. But overall its still the same. **

Nikita had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, her mind preparing her for what she was about to say. She watched as Michael took a few more steps before he realized that she wasn't by his side. Turning around, he asked:

"What?" from his expression she could tell that he was genuinely confused, he was surprised by Nikita's sudden stop especially since he thought she'd be happy knowing that he would finally be safe and by her side. 

"You don't see it yet." Michael didn't understand what Nikita was talking about, but her tone was scaring him. He honestly had no idea what she was talking about now. And the enigma of her words was worrying him more by the moment. 

"See what?" 

"Something's happening and I can't let it go and I can't push it away because I've done that and it's always ended badly. " Tears were forming in Nikita's eyes and she couldn't fight them anymore. Michael was shocked to see the tears build up behind her beautiful eyes, leaving him speechless. Immediately he racked his mind for excuses, of what could hurt the strong woman in front of him so much that she'd be in tears. He felt like an idiot when images from the past few days popped up in his mind. 

"If this is about Cassandra..." 

But he didn't say anymore, so Nikita interrupted. She knew that he would immediately jump to the conclusion that she was jealous and honestly she was but not for the same reason he believed.

"It's about Max. Can I ask you a question, Michael?" He nods silently allowing her to continue, allowing her to know he'd answer truthfully.

"You're safe now, but are you willing to walk away and never look back?" 

"What?" his expression turned quizzical, his eyebrows raised as he was struck with such a random question. 

"Are you willing to walk away and never see your child again or his mother?" This time Nikita replied with more strength, and Michael knew what she was leading to. 

"No because that's not my only choice." This was typical Nikita, stubborn, how could she doubt how much he truly loved her. Of course he would stay with her, he could visit his son whenever but he could never make it through a day without his Nikita. The past few days before her arrival had been rough, he had so much he wished he could have shared with her. How could she not know that? 

"It is. You just can't see it. I know you better than anyone… I know your heart…. I know the way it works. You focus all your energy on one point. That's how you survived Division all those years. Focusing on revenge for your family. You made yourself blind to the truth." The words flowing through her lips were the truth, but she was wrong as well.

In his mind, Michael was confused. Wasn't he here now with her? Didn't that show how he had changed? 

"Until you showed it to me. Nikita, I love you!" Michael voice was urgent now, as he closed the distance between him and the woman who showed him the truth. Intertwining their fingers, begging, hoping that she would not let go.

"I love you too." She replied softly. "But I'm not like you, Michael. You lost something I never had, and now you have a chance to get it back..."

Her words were like acid, burning through his heart. He realized what this conversation was leading to now, and he wasn't going to let her continue it. He had to end it before both of them got hurt. 

"Nikita, no..." but she wouldn't let him finish, and he couldn't continue either because he was weak… his world was once again crumbling into pieces. 

"...and because of that you have to take it because if not you are gonna be left with "what ifs?". That is the most dangerous question I know." Nikita hoped that he would understand, it was hard for her too, hard for her to say these words and try to be the stronger person. 

"I didn't plan for this." He was speechless, unsure of what else to say. But he could tell from Nikita's eyes that she had decided and he wanted to tell her that he loves her and only her but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. He knew that she was right, she always was. Her morals were always pointed in the right direction even after Division had tried to brainwash her. It was why she still hadn't lost her humanity, why he was here now. One more reason why he loves her. 

"There is no plan for this. Only a question that you need to resolve. And you can't do it with me here." Nikita pulled the hand that was holding hers up to her lips, and gently pressed her lips against them, brushing the back of his hand softly one last time. Knowing that if she had tried to kiss him one last time on the lips, she wouldn't have the will to go. With one last glance she walked away, a part of her hoping that he would come running after her, the other part hoping he would be the man she had fallen in love with and do the right thing. Max needed him as a father, and Michael needed him to be happy.

Glancing back again, Nikita hoped that she was doing the right thing, she hoped that Michael understood where she was coming from, and most importantly she hoped that one day the could reunite and they would both be happy. But until then she was content to let the tears stream her face as the distance grew between them.


End file.
